FREE EXCERPT FROM "SADDAM'S HANGOVER"

(In a courtroom filled with expectant faces, and bodies to go along with them, one face and its respective body is more conspicuous owing to the notoriety of the personage and the fact that he’s dressed in an orange suit and purple pants. It is none other than Saddam Hussein. The entire courtroom is forced to a stunned silence in anticipation of the verdict regarding Saddam’s case. In a few moments the judge pronounces his verdict—Saddam is sentenced to be hanged to death. An explosion of murmurs showing both dissent and assent to the decision occurs following the verdict. The centre of attention, Saddam Hussein, gets up from his chair and sputters in anger emanating guttural noises)


Saddam (moving his fists about in the air): Aarrkham farhaaa skuraaaam Abrahaam muhh qatarrr jihaaa

Judge: I’m sorry, Mr. Hussein, the majority present in this courtroom cannot comprehend this rare dialect of Arabic that you’re speaking. Would you please mind translating your feelings into a language more understandable?

Saddam (annoyed even further): That wasn’t Arabic; that was just an extended display of the extreme disgruntlement I’m feeling with the deeply idiotic verdict you just passed.

Judge (sneering): Would you like to add anything more to that?

Saddam (half-gritting his teeth): Yeah, your mom’s a five-dirhams-an hour slut!

Judge (with a hurt expression on his face): Hey, that is totally out of line. I just sentenced you to death, alright? You don’t have to diss my mom for that; just lay off her.

Saddam (wicked grin forming on his lips): I bet you say that to every guy with more than five dirhams in his pockets.

Judge (irate): That is it. I’m holding you in contempt for that.

Saddam (his anger now being expressed exclusively in sarcasm): I’d rather have your mom hold me if you don’t mind.

Judge (his face going red): I’m slapping you with a fine of one thousand dirhams.

Saddam: At least you’re not cheap like your old woman.

Judge (rising angrily): Guards, take this wretched purple pant wearing creature away and lock his clown-ass up.

(Two guards approach Saddam and begin to escort him out of the courtroom)

Saddam (finally his true emotions taking over): You can’t do this to me. Do you know who I am? You cannot stop me. You tell your shithead puppet master Bush that I’ll get him for all this; you tell him to sleep with his eyes open; you tell him that he’s got his coming sooner or later; you tell him that death can’t stop Saddam; you tell him that Saddam Hussein is going to come back from the dead and kick his pale pretzel-eating bigoted dyslexic ass all the way to hell.

Judge (busily scribbling on a piece of paper): Slow down, slow down…tell him he can’t stop you, tell him you’ll get him for this…what was the third one again...sleep with his pants off? (stops writing and looks at Saddam for confirmation)

Saddam (flustered): Aarrkham farhaaa skuraaaam Abrahaam muhh qatarrr jihaaa

Judge (puts the pen and paper down): Umm…yeah…you’re going to have to tell that to him yourself. I’m not very proficient in freakin’ gibberish. You know, Mr. Hussein, you’re the worst at dictating stuff. Who in their right senses labeled you as one of the most powerful dictators in the whole world? You stink!

Saddam (stuttering with rage): Well, your momma is…she is…

Judge (with a bored look): Oh, stop it with the mom-bashing already. Firstly, it’s beginning to be a drag. And secondly, I don’t know if you know this but you’re not BLACK!!! So why don’t you make an effort to spend this last short phase of your life engaging in pure and pristine thoughts? Does that sound like a good idea?

(Saddam has almost entirely been escorted out of the courtroom. However, before he steps outside he pops his head back in and whistles at the judge to get his attention)

Saddam (angrily): Fuck you, fuck your momma, and fuck George Bush. How’s that for pure and pristine thoughts?

Judge (measuring up Saddam for a few moments): That’s about as bad a start as you could ever hope for. (To the guards) Now take this ignominious criminal away from here and lock him up.